I sometimes take selfies to track physical health and emotional states over time, photos as reference points, a view into the soul. This post's image offers an unbuffered view of my neurological responses to a sustained and unremitting series of recent events; certainly not positive ones.
An amalgam of exhaustion, detachment, and resignation, combined with now–daily nihilistic acceptance—knowing deep within the endless cycle of loss–suffering–healing, that you have to feel this way.
and again, tomorrow.
and again.
every. single. day.
Because it's not about you, it's everything. And it does not get better. It gets worse. Occasionally in the best of circumstances it simply "gets different"—from PTSD to chronic pain, from debilitating illness that's in remission, to whatever other pointlessly egregious offenses the Simulation has decided we shall now endure, likely again.
In this existence you have no control over the fundamentals. Perception of causality and determinism has always been inevitable, whether we believe or otherwise.
Free Will is a Santa Klaus tale which children rely on, a useless concept for modern life. So don't expect anything, just say yes, ok — or say nothing at all. It can be worse, it has been worse. This is relative, even the fundamentals.
Respite? No, no, and certainly don't complain or ask for a rest; you're "just hormonal", tired, impatient, or "being difficult again". Remember your purpose, "you pass butter".
Tomorrow, Today
On this present morning I'm re-parsing 1200+ pages of patient EHR records (in preparation for some Stanford specialist's review), pages interspersed with several hundred lab-test results, each having been a vial or several vials of my blood.
Those pages, the values, reference ranges, blood metrics, brain scans, radio-isotope tracers, the sensation of burning hot IV contrast solution coursing through the veins for a CT scan, biopsies, invasive emergent procedures, scars, sutures, memories, too many...
I distinctly remember holding a quart of thickly clotted blood in a borosilicate vacuum extraction bottle—having watched those clots travel into the vacuum chamber from the longest terrifying needle ever devised, shoved deep into my abdomen with no anesthetic (as I watched from start to finish) - the ultrasound scanning above; a targeted-retrieval for enough internal blood loss that it almost killed me—and wow that much blood take ages to regrow (DNR, no transfusions, thnx) during those months one learns how low the scale goes for orthostatic hypotension and zero-energy from losing ~20% of total blood volume.
As it turns out we need a lot of blood. It's not supposed to just leak out and pool around inside the abdominal organs, but it did, and that was bad.
I lost count, or maybe I just don't want to memorize the full number of times under general anesthesia, those multi-specialist teams of surgeons, talking about heart valves, nerve ablation, cervical this and cervix that, SpO2 levels.. then the decades of emergent events, adrenaline fueled and conscious.
Not all difficult memories; I hope to not forget the best ER triage surgeon, his searing cobalt blue eyes, bear-grip hands with sun-drenched vascular and ripped forearms, wearing desert combat pants and boots. Thigh adorned with massive drop-leg bag, a loaded Glock and two mags, pairs of forceps, gunshot wound-clotting gear, and a medic patch for the US Rangers. He was good. He was very good.
Back in the world of paper
Going through all of those labs, their dates, the butterfly phlebotomy rigs, all of the memories of everything they represent—that was raw, visceral, and so tiringly real.
Oh, and I still get plenty of labs – gotta track and maintain remission. This is my life, for all its difficult and often beautiful and deeply painful and also wonderful days—many of which I miss so often, and for all of those days which may remain.
Perhaps, more adventures. Please. Because now - Right Now - its been days into weeks into years, and I'm exhausted. Every day.
Also, I never want to step foot in another hospital, so please everyone – let's all be safe and let the ER docs rest too. 🎁
