Of The Things I Will Miss

Before he died I remember his face, those wells of cobalt-steel eyes - glittering in the waning moon's rays.

He is looking down at the belay, staring into mein stricken augen blaue, then with a booming gutteral force of air his voice explodes with "ROOOOOCKKKK!!"; the call to arms of that universal activator which says, "fucking move now!" - to which one's autonomic system - that complex network of neurons and axons governing every cell goes into overdrive, with norepinephrine and adrenaline blasting through dopamine's enzymatic conversion to maximize the "Fight or Flight" instincts which must be concurrently acknowledged by higher-order consciousness while not succumbing to bullshit that will absolutely get a climber killed - reactive-only-action.

Reactive response exists in contrast to a specialized and challenging to acquire-adapt-improve skill set which allows higher-order consciousness to shunt autonomic signals via a process of sensory-aware sensory-fuckoffedness cognitive control mode - the name of which might not have a formal name at all. It's simply what I learned while climbing mountains without ropes and not trying to die; so maybe it's called the "Try Not To Die Method of Getting High"

Dopamine is converted into norepinephrine by the enzyme "Dopamine Beta-Hydroxylase" (DBH), which is located inside synaptic vesicles. Conversion occurs after dopamine is actively transported into the vesicle, distinguishing it from earlier synthesis steps which occur in the cytoplasm.

Norepinephrine is then converted into epinephrine (adrenaline) by the enzyme "Phenylethanolamine N-Methyl-Transferase" (PNMT).

This final step takes place in the cytoplasm of chromaffin cells in the adrenal medulla and requires S-adenosylmethionine (SAM) as a methyl donor; PNMT activity is induced by glucocorticoids.

It's an electrifying sensation as the mind detaches from space-time to operate in a slow-motion rapid response. Every moment, every unit of time, concurrently experienced in its duality - rapid movement in slow motion; if you know, you know, otherwise words will do this no justice to describe. Everything is now, and that now is perfect, and that now never wants to let you leave or vice-versa. It is not reproducible in a lab, or a capsule, or ETOH bound liquid.

Try as I might over the years to reproduce it via neuropharmacology it remains mostly (though not entirely) elusive; bothering with this only by the time I was no longer able to climb, nor to ride, row, ski, or engage in any of the momentums which have tethered me so strongly to this thread of existence. That thread is slipping now, faster, with one trajectory ~ and I am no longer roped.

That state of now existed in moments hard fought, sometimes not won - but in retreat to safer conditions - a battle that exists in the mind, driven by the body, always coming back for more. Why else would two people rope up to climb a "wall of rock and ice that did not exactly need climbing"? It was not for food subsistence, nor tangible profit, but for health - not "have a whatever every day for cardiac health" - for health of the mind and body. To experience that leading edge from start to finish, in slow and then fast and then into the now of tunnel-vision focus; where nothing else mattered, the vertical calling.

Not Interested in Outpatient Care, the Treatments Don't Work

This level of time-aware physical detachment, amplified cognition, boosted sensorial awareness, is perhaps the most beautiful psychologically addictive "in the good way" states of being to experience. Definitely better than the morphine drip in the ICU, the Dilaudid drip in some other ICU, better still than the Fentanyl patch during the months of long term outpatient recovery. I don't want numbness; I don't want death; I just want to be back on that wall.

ROCKFALL! MOVE! NOW! FASTER!
Brace the rope-holding shoulder to the wall, lock the rope-holding hand downward, set two foot-holds active, ensure three points of contact, and never let go of the belay rope - even if you're using a GriGri style auto-locker. With a hard slap the rope's little slack slams upward, grinding your rigging; tight quickly means the first piece held, snapping staccato means pieces are pulling out. Screaming upward after a moment, "FINISH THE FUCKING PITCH already, my ASS IS FUCKING FREEZING here!"

More rocks, more ice, keeps falling from above. His booming voice still echo'ing into the canyon in near-total darkness, the response in jest to my demands. With the sun still an hour away as we climb by headlamp, this is taking both more and less time in some sections than I had planned. The moon departs as the sun inches towards relevance. Tapping hammers at the final belay at twenty eight hundred feet, only one rope-length to go.

I lead calmly into the darkness, the "Great Unknown Yet Known"; we've been here before, a life of endless striving, yearning, never courting death, never to consider that it would come quickly. Then he died; not while his limp body slowly spun - still roped in the November breeze, and from those ropes he was retrieved, dying inside the Life-Flight rescue helicopter as it took his blood soaked viscera to wherever - no one survives a fall like that.

Neck Strained Skyward as Gravity Induced Andesite Impacts

Towards the rigging, towards exposed hands, rock and ice are falling at terminal velocity. Those rapid muscle-memory actions I'd practice in the dark with eyes closed as a teenager (first a figure eight, then a double, then a clove and prusiks, memorized actions hundreds of times over and over in the dark, and other knots with time).

Jolted back to the present, with immediacy I watch these hands move with trained-instinct, rapidly lashing axes to the wall. The "too large for now" chunks of October's volcanic ash-stained ice smash into my helmet, shattering into the nothingness of the void below. Had I known the trajectory then, I would not have come home that day.

CyberKnife is a non-invasive, image-guided stereotactic radiosurgery (SRS) and stereotactic body radiation therapy (SBRT) system that uses a robotic arm to deliver high-dose radiation with sub-millimeter accuracy.

Key advantages include not being a "let's shave part of your beautiful curls and cut a piece of the skull off, and then dig around till we find all the bad stuff!" type of treatment.

• Non-invasive radiation with no incisions, anesthesia, or recovery time.
• Fewer sessions, typically 1 to 5 visits, compared to 40+ for conventional radiation.
• Outpatient procedure allowing patients to resume normal activities immediately.
• Effective treatment for inoperable or complex tumors previously considered untreatable by surgery.

To Live and Die and Live Again

I am not a proponent of the concept of Free Will. I'm not exactly "against it", as that lacks ontological accuracy and is slightly confusing, rather my experiences have defined limits which lead in fractals, concurrently, threads converging occasionally, splitting again.